StanleyWheeler

Note: After the review is a Vidangel Versus -- this time it's Cowboys and Indians.

When I was in college, I read a poorly written science fiction novel which, I believe, was call Khyber Pass - but I can't find any reference to a sci fi book by that name; perhaps I've forgotten the actual name. I do remember that the Khyber Pass (which is between Kabul and Peshawar) played a prominent role in the book. I remember nothing else about that book--except the cover was bluish with a guy in a white coat holding some kind of firearm. The book did get me interested in the actual history of the Khyber Pass. I looked for and found a book--I believe it was called The Northwest Passage -- which was confusing, because I thought the northwest passage referred to the waterway through North America connecting the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans (and which didn't exist, notwithstanding the great confidence in its existence)--about the history and significance of the pass. That book was excellent. The fun thing I remember from that book was the story of a British officer named Nicholson; some of the natives actually worshipped him; he did not encourage the worship.  One (or more) time(s) when he was ill, and confined to his bed in his tent, he could hear the natives engaged in worshipping him without the tent. He was able to reach his pistol, and fired it at them blindly through the canvas wall until all of the cartridges had been expended. People complain about a long church service, but at least the object of the adoration isn't actively engaged in trying to kill them during the service--of course, your mileage may vary; I can't speak for all denominations.

It was sometimes referred to as the Northwest Passage, because the attacks on India usually came from the Northwest through the Khyber Pass.

Anyway, I remembered reading Talbot Mundy's story called King of The Khyber Rifles. In some commentary, somewhere, someone had also recommended the movie. So, I recently watched the movie.

KING OF THE KHYBER RIFLES (1953, directed by Henry King)

According to the poster, you not allowed to wear glasses to watch it. That's strange.

The similarities between this movie and the Talbot Mundy story upon which the movie is based are quite simply uncanny. I mean that in the sense that uncanny may be inferred to mean nonexistent. The old Dragnet shows used to claim that the stories were true but that the names had been changed. In this movie, only the names are the same; the story has been altered beyond recognition.

So how is the movie?

It’s India—1857—100^th year of the British rule.

There’s an ambush set for some British wagons. The British are warned in time to keep their losses minimal. They arrive at the garrison. The one-eyed native who had warned them wants to take the British salt, i.e., join up, because the bad guy, Karram Khan, tortured and killed his brother.

At the garrison, our hero, King shows pictures of his parents to a couple officers with whom he shares quarters; one of these is Jeffrey Heath. It appears that King’s mother is a native. King goes looking for someone called Hamid Bahri. He is told that Bahri has become a holy man; he may be found at the mosque.

A native is preaching insurrection in the public square; the British have ruled for a 100 years and the rule is about to come to a quick and bloody end, according to the insurrectionist. King warns a white woman to get back to her residence, and to stay there. 

Back at the barracks, Heath has left. The other officer shares liquor with King, telling him, “We half-castes have to stick together. My father was Irish.”

When the white woman (Susan Maitland) tells Heath about what happened in the marketplace with Captain King, he says that he shouldn’t wonder, “He’s one of them.” General Maitland is the white woman’s father. 

Heath tells him he had to change quarters because of King’s parentage. The General doesn’t take it well. He informs Heath that whites, half-castes, and natives are all British soldiers and are to be treated as such.

King gets the coveted seat next to Susan at dinner—at her request. The General tells King about the Khyber Rifles. They’re made up of Afridi, natives. Ahmed, the native who warned of the ambush, called them cousins. The General puts King in command of the Khyber Rifles; they are so stubborn that they won’t salute, and they take-off whenever they feel the need for it.

Karram Khan is the native leader in opposition to the British. He was King’s childhood friend.

King isn’t invited to the Queen’s Birthday Ball, because the British have rules about that sort of thing. So Susan seeks him out elsewhere and dances with him outside. She follows him out of the garrison the next day. They get caught in a kind of sand storm the natives call “The Hammer of God,” and have to take shelter in some convenient ruins. (I was wondering if they might run into a couple Hobbits with a cursed ring in there).

They’re attacked by natives. King drops one with a pistol shot. The others enter the ruins. They shout something to him that he doesn’t translate. King escapes the attackers by…running into the storm with Susan?? He abandons two horses, and takes the general's daughter into a killer storm; it doesn't seem like the best of all possible choices.

The next day, the general sends out two patrols to look for them. One patrol finds them nearly dying of thirst in the sand. Funny how the patrol could find them, but the bad guys who nearby when they ran away could not.

Part of the second patrol never returned to the garrison. King tells the general that the hostiles wanted his daughter as a hostage—that’s what they were shouting. Maitland decides to send Susan back to England. She doesn’t want to go. She wants to marry King. Maitland doesn’t want his daughter marrying a half-caste. He’s all for equal treatment, but still…

Turbaned bad guys send a horse into the garrison with one of the missing patrolmen tied to its back. The rest of the missing men have been taken hostage. Karram Khan wants rifles—the Enfield rifle shipment the garrison is expecting—or he will send in another dead hostage each day.

King thinks it would be a good idea to eliminate Karram Khan; and he’s the man to do it. That night, Susan sneaks to King’s quarters, to make him listen to her. That, of course, leads to osculation, and that close talking that leaves one with a hot, damp ear (sultry ear? see, Throw Mama from the Train). She will go away, but she will be with him always, she will come to him when he wants her. (She must think she’s Obi-Wan Kenobi, or something).

The general decides to send King to eliminate Khan. King rides into the enemy camp. He tells Khan that he has deserted. Khan is skeptical. He accepts King into his service, but instructs one of his minions to watch King. The best bad guys always have a spare minion or two for such tasks.

A messenger arrives with bad news. Khan throws a tantrum, and confronts King. While wielding a toad sticker of prodigious proportions, 

he calls King a liar. King admits he was sent to kill Khan but says he came for different reasons. Khan has a British officer brought in. The soldier pleads to King. King throws his drink in the officer’s face. Khan begins to believe him…or so he says.

That night, King does a carpet-crawl-sneak to the sleeping Khan. When King hesitates in killing Khan, the latter counters King’s knife with a pistol. In the morning King is tied to a stake like the rest of the British prisoners. Under Khan’s direction, Afridi on horseback begin a game of “Find the Vital Organ.” (Milton Bradley would later come up with a variant of this game; they called it "Operation.") They’re very successful; they’ve obviously played this game before. One by one, the British soldiers demonstrate the difficulty (futility, even) of dodging while tied to a stake. When King is the last target in play, Khan takes up a spear. He makes the charge, but pulls up before King gets the point. In repayment for the hesitation that spared Khan’s life, he releases King to go back to Peshawar.

In return for his story about the deaths of the British soldiers, and his report on what he learned of Karram Khan, General Maitland has King confined to his quarters under arrest. King learns that all of the women left that morning. Mr. Heath informs him that Susan said she would write to King, and that she still feels the same way. That’s when a rider gallops in with a message for Maitland about uprisings across the frontier. He needs everyone, even King. Apparently things are almost as out of control as the fans at a European soccer match.

King is to lead his Rifles to attack Khan. Plot complication: a rumor has spread among the Rifles that the paper cartridges have been greased with pig fat; it would be a violation of their religion to bite the paper cartridges to load them into the Enfield rifles. (Besides, they were promised hot and spicy flavored cartridges). King addresses the Rifles. He appears to have convinced them. They follow him out for the attack under cover of darkness.

When it comes time to ditch the horses and to climb the mountains, the Khyber Rifles refuse to load the Enfields. But they still want to follow King. They’ll fight with steel. They climb the mountains to come to the rear of Khan’s camp.

They leap into the camp with their Kukri’s ready.  They have literally brought knives to a gunfight. King has landed in Khan’s tent. They strive against each other in a fairly inept display of hand-to-hand combat. They struggle for the pistol. They struggle for the knife. Khan puts his right hand in; King pulls that right hand out. They do the hokey pokey and shake themselves about. Khan comes up with the Kukri (which sounds like some fun party game--or the conclusion of Kukri, Kukri, Whose Got The Kukri).

Things look bad for King…until Khan discovers that a second Kukri has entered the game. The one-eyed Ahmed has noticed the itch the Khan can’t scratch, and scratches it for him by flinging a knife into Khan’s back. King and the Khyber Rifles are victorious.

The weary and wounded victors return to the garrison. Later, the Rifles, and King, look sharp under the eyes of Susan and the general. That’s it. It's over. Does the general let his daughter marry King? Does anyone care? Not really.

There just isn’t much Tyrone Power can do to save this movie. Michael Rennie as the general is impressive, but his part isn’t significant enough to lift the fun factor for this show out of the basement. The script eliminates the mystical quality of Talbot Mundy’s work, and replaces it with a story not only devoid of charm, romance, suspense, and intrigue, but also lacking interesting characters, well-staged action, or memorable imagery—and those are the redeeming characteristics. It’s also dull—or is it all so dull? Both are correct. Why did I keep watching? I was familiar with the Talbot Mundy story, having read it last year; I kept hoping that it would get better. I hoped to see the mysterious “She,” and to see King go completely Afridi, and more, much, much more.

***

As promised above it's Vidangel Versus: Two shows that I wouldn't normally watch except for the magic of Vidangel in letting me filter out all the junk that I don't want to see or hear. This week it's:

3:10 to Yuma (cowboys) vs. Wind River (Indians)

If you enjoyed the 1957 3:10 to Yuma with Glenn Ford and Van Heflin, you'll probably be disappointed in this Russel Crow and Christian Bale remake. I know that I was. If you get the chance to watch it...don't. That's really all I have to say about it.

Wind River, on the other hand, is a terrific movie (at least the filtered version). First, the complaint: not enough Julia Jones, or most of the other Native American characters. The main characters are actually the Fish and Wildlife predator exterminator (Julia Jones character's ex-husband), and the FBI girl (she looks like she might be 17 years old) sent to do the preliminary investigation on the death of a young girl on the reservation. The film is both emotionally and intellectually stimulating. Of the 2017 movies that I've seen, this was definitely the best. It was good enough that I had to watch it twice.

Wind River easily wins this contest.