My time as a Scalosian

Before I get to the main story: The first proofreader has completed the read through of Smoke, and pronounced it very good. She wasn't even disappointed in the ending. I would say more, but I don't want to spoil anything. Another proofreader has provided lavish praise from both herself, and her husband (I'm slightly wounded by the fact that his praise seemed to be of a surprised nature). Other comments from readers include: "Emotionally evocative," "Very good character development," "Excellent plot going on," "The descriptions are very clear." I could go on, but I don't want to boast--although I don't mind other people boasting for me.

***

"Stop talking to him!" I wanted to shout...but I didn't shout. I just said it loud enough that I could hear it; maybe the first two people in front of me heard it too; I don't know. They didn't react. Why did I care if one person talked to another? It was important. It wasn't just that I was in a desperate hurry (think Jackie Chan in one of the Rush Hour movies where he's scrambling for the detonator to the bomb that's taped inside his mouth kind of desperate hurry), I was about to miss watching my daughter perform in her team's final show at the state tournament; and I was trapped. 

I had already given my money and placed my order with the young lady who took the money and orders at the beginning of the sandwich line. She was quick, quick, I tell ya, quick at taking both orders and money. She also quickly placed the specified meat, cheese, and vegetable toppings on a plate. From that point on, everything progressed in slow motion. I'll get back to this.

The venue was one of those places that puts you through a metal detector and strip search before you enter. They weren't looking for weapons (although I think they do take those away if they find them). They were checking to make sure that no one was carrying anything to eat. Woe to the individual with a Snickers bar secreted in his pocket, or a club sandwich cached inside his coat. Possession of water was a capital offense.

After we made it through the food-free decontamination chamber, we had to find our seats. I had purchased reserved seats on-line. I had wanted to print them out. Not allowed. The reserved seat tickets could only be accessed via an app on the smart phone. As we had passed through the no-nourishment security zone, the guard had tapped the phone screen to validate the tickets. The tickets promptly disappeared. I couldn't remember the seat numbers. I thought that I did, but I wasn't sure. I went to the numbers that I thought that I remembered. There were already people in them, and they said that those seats were not reserved. We sat down in someone else's seats to be out of the way while I tried to recover the tickets on the phone. I knew they were someone else's because we hadn't been there one minute before some nice people showed up asking about those seats, wondering whether we had tickets for them. I admitted that we did not, but were only using them as a resting point while checking my phone for our actual seats. We moved back up to the area walkway. 

While I got much of the ticket information to materialize on my phone, the seat numbers remained trapped in the inscrutable ether of the nefarious app. I had my wife watch for security to see if they could help us. After a few minutes, she told me a security person was coming our way. I looked, expecting to find a hulking shaven-headed brute in an undersized t-shirt, and carrying a dumbbell and a walkie-talkie. Instead, I discovered a short lady who looked like she would've been more comfortable roaming the aisles of Wal-mart (Ooooh. New fictional setting idea: The Isle of Waal Maart--probably not). She couldn't make it work either. We thought maybe part of the problem could be the poor reception at our location. She said that her daughter could help, and that there was good phone reception where her daughter was. 

Reluctantly, I agreed to go with the woman to see her daughter. I was picturing a teenager. Nope. She was a hulking brute--not really. She was larger than either her mother or I. She was also a member of security. 

She took my phone, and said, "These tickets have already been validated."

I found her tone somewhat accusatory. "Yes," I said. "They validated them when we came in."

"Okay," she said. She did something very quickly that made the tickets appear, with seat numbers and everything. 

The seat numbers were those that I had remembered, except for being one section over. So I remembered the right seats, just the wrong section. The seats were very comfortable. We sat beside a nice couple from the other side of the state. The woman thought my wife looked familiar, but they couldn't ever put themselves at the same time and place. The man didn't say much. 

Fast forward about 5 hours. We're getting hungry; famished we were, and the nasty hobbitses wouldn't give us anything to eat. We hadn't wanted to buy anything at the 3 billion percent markup at the venue. At last I crumbled, mostly because I knew my wife needed something, even though she wasn't saying anything about it. At the break, I went in search, and found The One Ring little doughnuts with chocolate syrup and whipped cream. I didn't want those. That's all there was. I filled out a small title-loan application and received the doughnuts on the easy financing plan. My. Wife. Refused. To eat. Any. Of. Them. 

I noticed that the couple next to us had some bags of nuts. I asked the man where they got them. He told me that they got them on the other side of the stadium; there were many more food offerings over there. The break was nearly over, but I thought that I could go over there and kill a burger or something, and bring it back before my daughter's team performed--there were a few teams in front of hers; I had time. I had not accounted for Slow-Motion Man in my reckoning. 

I had chosen the sandwich line, rather than the burgers, or any of the various other splendid offerings, because I was in a hurry; it was the shortest line. I hadn't realized that the line passed through another dimension, a dimension of sight, of sound; a dimension where time stood still. No. Time didn't stand still, just the old guy who was supposed to be completing the sandwiches--he stood still. I felt like Kirk watching his crew after he had been drugged with the Scalosian water (See Wink of An Eye S3 E11). All the guy had to do was to put the meat, cheese, and vegetables on the bread (which all seemed backwards to me). To say that he moved at a snail's pace would be an understatement. I had to shave three times while I stood in line. 

So when the people who had been at the front of the line when I arrived (and by front, I mean already at Mr. Slow-Motion Man's spot), wanted to stand and talk to him after they had already received their sandwiches, I had difficulty maintaining the sweet, happy-go-lucky attitude for which I am known. I felt like John Pinette.

Eventually, Slow-Motion Man proved himself capable movement slightly faster than the shadow on a sundial. I got my sandwich, half for me, and half for my wife, along with a single bottle of water (I could't borrow enough on the second mortgage I had to take out to afford a second bottle). I hurried back into the stadium just in time to hear the announcer saying the name of my daughter's team. Great! I was just in time. 

It turned out that I was just in time to see them march off at the conclusion of their performance. Curse you, Mr. Slow-Motion Man!

But my wife was happy to have the sandwich. So I got that going for me.

Combat! S1 E9 - "Cat and Mouse" - recap and review

Combat!

Season 1 Episode 9:

They’re headed uphill, into a cemetery; then the shelling starts…

Hanley gives the order, “Dig in!” Cage isn’t thrilled about the idea of digging into the asphodel fields. Littlejohn says, “This is one hole I thought somebody else would dig for me.” A guy we haven’t seen before makes his way to Hanley; he says that the captain wants him to send a man back out…as soon as that man gets back from the last mission. A few moments later, out of the smoky blasts walks a figure; he’s carrying another soldier. It's Saunders!

He’s exhausted—we’ve seen this setup before. He has come back from the land of snipers and landmines. He lost 5 NPCs. Hanley tells him he has to report back to S-2. Saunders says he has nothing to report. He didn’t see anything. That’s too bad. He has to go back; they want him to go back out again…orders. Saunders says, as he leans his head against a slanted headstone, “Funny. I feel like I belong here.” Roll the opening credits.

The episode guest stars Albert Salmi. It’s entitled “Cat and Mouse.” It is written and directed by Robert Altman.

Back at S-2, Saunders is one of a few men who get a briefing. Something big is about to break. There’s going to be a breakthrough attempt…somewhere else. Success depends on holding this part of the line with only a few troops…and the Germans have an attack planned. They need to know where the attack will be in order to successfully defend with limited resources. Recon patrols have been gaining nothing but casualties. Therefore, there will be more patrols. Everyone is excused to go to their patrols...except for Saunders and a Sgt. Jenkins (the guest star Albert Salmi). Saunders is to accompany Jenkins’ patrol because that patrol is assigned the area from which he has just returned. Jenkins is beside himself with joy…or something sort of opposite of joy. He’s experienced; he doesn’t need someone else along…that he might have to “nursemaid.” Saunders is his usual jolly self—glum, grim, silent; he doesn't waste time on any persuasive charisma die rolls.

The patrol is off, complete with leafed sprigs sticking from their helmets. A certain tree doesn’t find the disguises amusing, and shoots one of the soldiers. (Not the tree. Turns out it was a sniper hiding in a tree).

Jenkins doesn’t listen to Saunders and goes to help the downed man. He draws fire (in a stark charcoal on cream colored paper, that being his artistic specialty), but isn't hit. Saunders follows, spraying bursts from the Thompson. Jenkins has a plan. Saunders doesn’t like it. Jenkins rolls a natural 20; the plan works! Jenkins gets the sniper…but their man is dead too. One NPC and one enemy, the score is tied.

Saunders finds a mine while Jenkins is trying to rush the men along. As Saunders pulls out the mine, another one goes off; they lose another man. Jenkins agrees to go a little slower. Two NPCs down. (They should've worn red shirts for this episode). 

The DM has them find a building. Jenkins decides to take in one man, the other two will cover. Saunders says that he will go in with Jenkins. Wilson and McKay will cover. It’s a mill, with a waterwheel. The sgts get in fine…but one of the cover guys thinks that he has heard something and starts to go check on it; he rolls a critical failure. A German appears behind him, banging out a fatal riff of heavy metal. He plays more of the same for the other American, who finds it totally killer, as well. It’s a whole kraut platoon arriving at the mill. 4 NPC's have been expended. (It's like "The Apple" TOS S2E5).

The sgts are trapped inside the mill…and I can guess where the Germans are headed. Yep…they’re coming inside. The sgts have to hide. The Germans are moving in, and setting up a regimental command post. The German colonel takes a liking to the resident cat. (And isn't that Ted Knight holding the helmet or something on the right? It is. It is).

But will the cat give away the Americans? 

Saunders doesn’t have any luck with the radio, there are just too many negative modifiers to the dice. They’re out of range. Jenkins has gone full-thief, and found a passage. They can sneak out when it gets dark. In the meantime, they wait. Saunders makes a few long-shot die-roll attempts for success with  the radio. Jenkins is so enamored with the idea that he points his rifle at Saunders, and orders him to stop. Saunders is through taking orders from him. That sends Jenkins into a soliloquy about how he’s fighting this war surrounded by shoe clerks. Jenkins was regular army before the war. Saunders, he sold shoes, or so he tells Jenkins. Jenkins goes into slow burn mode, refusing to think of possible positive modifiers to the radio checks.

With darkness, they try to make their escape. As Saunders is making the attempt, Jenkins deliberately drops the radio to alarm the Germans. Is he trying to get Saunders captured? No. Jenkins shows himself, surrendering.

Saunders watches in secret as the Germans interrogate Jenkins, even though Jenkins has signaled him to go. Jenkins has a picture on him from when he was a lieutenant, before he was cashiered, and rejoined as a private. The Germans want to know where the American lines are. He can’t tell them. They threaten to shoot him. When they start to drag him out, he agrees to tell all that he can. He knows Saunders is still there. He signals him to go up above so that he can see the map as he explains to the Germans where the American lines are located.

Saunders is able to read the map with the aid of one side of his binoculars. The problem develops when Ted Knight (as a German captain) goes after the cat and discovers the American boots that Saunders had left in the passageway out. Jenkins goes wild--he's rolling dice on the distraction tables like a madman. The Germans go wild--and they have the guns. Lead flies; Jenkins takes more lead than his hit points can handle. Saunders grabs his heater and burns down some Germans. He goes down the ladder. He confirms that Jenkins in dead before he goes out, rolls a successful sneak attack, and overpowers a guard, and swims downstream.

We next see him in a Jeep, rolling into S-2. Saunders is not a little dismayed when S-2 doesn’t show interest in his report. They tell him that they broke the German code that morning, and know where the attack is coming. Saunders tells them Jenkins gave his life so that he could escape to get this information back to them, and someone is going to listen to it. Yet, nobody does hear it. The major informs Saunders that hundreds of men at desks have been working on the code (rolling percentage dice through the night until they could get three "00"s in a row) and 6 French underground agents died getting the information; the important thing is that they have the information, not who got it first.

What to think about his episode? It certainly burned through the NPCs--5 lost on Saunders' first mission before the session, and 4 more lost during this adventure. The guest player character also cashed-in his chips before the closing credits. I was disappointed about a few things: I didn't find any really outstanding camera shots; nobody spoke French; Ted Knight never got to speak English; and I didn't think of anything funny enough to make me laugh while I wrote this. Speaking of Ted Knight... by way of trivia, Knight and Salmi would later appear together in Caddyshack. Salmi appeared in numerous movies and series before his apparent murder/suicide. He never appeared in Star Trek, as far as I could find, but he was in The Brothers Karamazov with Shatner, and Yul Brenner. It seems to me that he usually played the dim-bulb-loud-mouth type.

The episode wasn't very satisfying for me. The tension that I expected from the cat and mouse game just wasn't there. I expect that the ending was intended to be unsatisfying--it succeeded.  

And I haven't time to write anything more..."Patterns of Force" just came on.

Smoke is finished! ...and Secret of The Incas - recap and review

Smoke is finished! I sat down this morning and wrapped it up. It's a bittersweet pill, completing this work. I put a lot into it, and enjoyed every bit of it.

Of course, I still have to do the cover (for which I need someone to give me a cigarette to use; part of the cover photo will feature diaphanous tendrils coiling upward from the cancer stick), and have it proofread, and complete the formatting...but the creation, the writing, the assembly of the monster is complete; the rest is just connecting the wires and calling down the lightning. I'll be treading on the wafting ether for a few days contemplating the completion of the endeavor.

The book is inspired by the likes of The Big Sleep, The Maltese Falcon, This Gun for Hire, and a slew of others, including My Favorite Brunette. Bogey would have been a great choice to play the protagonist; Alan Ladd might have been an even better choice. Some other time, I'll think about living actors who might play the roles of my characters.

***

Before I finished the Smoke wrap up, I treated myself to The Secret of The Incas. You can find the basic dope on it here.
Here's my recap and review.

It is the tale of the search for a fabulous golden disc encrusted with jewels. 

We meet Charlton Heston as Harry Steele, a sort of tour guide, returning tourists to the airport via a car that looks like a camp trailer running on the railroad tracks.

He tells the future Mrs. Cunningham, “Money sings, and I love music.” He asks a man at the airport about any private planes that have arrived. None. But he’ll keep asking.

Uncle Billy, now going by the name of Ed Morgan, is learning to shoot pool, perhaps in hopes of paying off the Savings and Loan debt. He tells Harry about a new exhibit, an Inca stone carving…with a missing corner. 

Morgan sends a man with a special present after Harry following their conversation. 

Harry drops, unscathed. He finds the shooter’s location, and races over while the shooter is trying to get packed and flee. He gives the guy a heaping helping of knuckle sandwich. Shooter promptly admits that Morgan sent him, but not to kill, only to scare him. Harry relieves Shooter of the money Morgan paid him, and breaks his rifle. Then Harry rushes to have a little tete-a-tete with Morgan. Morgan wants Harry to take him as a partner in finding the lost Inca treasure. Harry refuses. Still, Morgan has a client lined up for Harry. 

Harry takes his corner piece to the museum and matches it to the new exhibit. The exhibit is supposed to show the way to the tombs of the rulers of Machu Pichu. 

It’s at the museum that the new client makes her appearance…only to disappear quickly

The museum keeps an interesting item in a safe; it's a small sunburst which is like a much larger one--the fabulous jewel encrusted disc lost to the Incas four centuries earlier, and which is the object of Harry’s search. 

Mystery girl shows up again. She’s looking for Harry, 

but mistakes this Green Acres refugee for him. 

Her name is Elena Antonescu, and she’s an escapee from Romania. She wants to get to the USA. She’s wanted in La Paz, Bolivia. She only has $50; Harry tells her, “The wheels just don’t turn for fifty bucks.” When she goes all sad, Harry tells her it is a very good act. She says, “It usually works.” Harry seems interested when she talks about a guy with a plane named Marcu (the guy is Marcu, not the plane); Marcu is after her. Harry makes a call to Marcu. Harry tells Elena that Marco will be there tomorrow. He told Marcu about Elena, so that he would come with his plane. She is bait for Harry to get the plane. 

Harry is at the airport the next day. He orders fuel for the plane as it lands. Marcu, who has avoided the Russian front in the guise of General Burkhalter, is anxious to find Elena, and willing to pay. He tries to persuade Elena to go back with him. Harry knocks out Marcu, and instructs Elena to sneak into his room and get the keys to the plane.

Morgan again presses Harry for the corner stone. Harry refuses. Elena gets the key, and they depart for the airport. They sneak into the airport; Harry throws a stone through a window to draw the guards away. They get the plane and takeoff before the guards can catch them. So far, it all seems too easy. I think there’s going to be a plot complication. Nope—but that was too easy. 

They land, but not at an airport. Harry won’t say where, exactly, but it’s about 10 miles from where he’s going. At this point, I notice that Elena is still wearing the same clothes in which she arrived, even though she has a suitcase, and she had been down to wearing only a slip the night before. Maybe those are just good traveling clothes. While Harry gets a cached rubber raft, she changes clothes??. They float down the river.

That night at the fire. He tells her to wear heavier socks the next day. They’re going to Machu Pichu. But she wants to go to Mexico. She pretends to be cold, which, of course, leads to this:

Are they in love, or just using one another to achieve their own ends?  More importantly, did anyone bring any mouthwash, or deodorant?

 In the morning, they’re still Machu Pichu bound—a journey almost entirely in the vertical. When they arrive, Harry is surprised to find someone else already there. They are greeted by Pointy Hat (aka Michael Pate, known for playing bad guys, and ethnic types). 

Pointy Hat introduces them to Marcus Welby who certainly has the attitude that he knows best. He’s Stanley Moorhead, the leader of this archeological expedition, which also includes a general from the Peruvian government. It seems that they’re working in the very tomb where Harry expects to find the fabulous jewel encrusted gold disc.

When Pointy Hat’s sister, Kori-Tica, observes that Harry has a “very grave face,” meaning he is not to be trusted, a liar, or a thief, Harry tells Elena that he knows who he is, and that he can live with that. Harry has also sabotaged the radio so that the expedition won’t be apprised of their status as fugitives. 

The sister of Pointy Hat, who follows the old ways—i.e., she’s the Ruk of Machu Pichu (See, “What Are Little Girls Made Of?” S1 E7 for those of you playing along at home)--makes an offering to a princess mummy (the Mamakunu) already removed from the tomb. She sings a song that begins with what sounds like someone playing the handsaw and gradually reaches the weird-but-recognizably-human range, before going completely cackling hen on mushrooms and helium. If it really is Yma Sumac performing the music, she must be a trained opera diva with a range that goes from the moon to the bottom of the Marianas Trench. Harry takes advantage of the distraction to check out the tomb on his own. He swipes a mirror-like piece that seems to go with his corner stone. 

Finally, the much anticipated plot complication arrives in the form of Morgan. He lets Harry know that he’s now chairman of the board, and that Marcu didn’t make any report about the stolen plane.

Elena compares Harry to Morgan, and tells Harry, “For a tall man, you’re the smallest man I ever met.” The comment makes Harry re-evaluate himself.

Pointy Hat’s sister does another number, which sounds at first like she's doing a Louis Armstrong imitation; then it goes from saw and helium to barking dog. Of course there’s also some native dancing.

Dr. Morehead asks Elena to marry him. She doesn’t give him an answer…realizing she loves Harry (I suppose--because California isn't known for apples, and Abraham Lincoln didn't cut down the cherry tree).

.

The expedition opens the main tomb. It appears that the golden sunburst is merely a carving in stone; there is no fabulous gold disc--The Inca's Greatest Hits were just a myth. The natives take it hard. Harry thinks that perhaps Elena can take the sunburst’s place, at least in his heart. She turns him down, and Harry announces that he’ll leave in the morning. 

That night, Harry goes into the tomb. Morgan follows secretly. All Indiana Jones-like (before Indiana Jones), Harry finds the sunburst. Morgan has a rule against members of his party trying to abscond with all the treasure and XPs. He has Harry put the disc into a bag. Pointy Hat interrupts. A gunshot, a scuffle. Morgan knocks down both Pointy Hat and Harry. He runs from the tomb. Harry is out. Pointy Hat rouses the natives. Morgan plugs a native, but the rest keep after him. He’s finally out of bullets, and almost out of options. Somehow  he manages to elude the natives. Back at the expedition HQ, it seems that they can’t find Morgan or Harry.

Harry does find Morgan (they join up and go on to act in Dragnet and MASH—no). Morgan is played out; altitude and age have stolen his vitality; besides, disappointing Jimmy Steward on Christmas Eve really took a toll on him. Morgan delivers a nice little soliloquy about age and gravity as Harry wrests the disc from him. In the struggle, gravity, unmoved by the soliloquy, seizes Morgan and deals most unkindly with him, bouncing him against every crag sticking from the mountain's otherwise sheer face.

Harry takes the disc back to the expedition HQ; he hands the disc to Pointy Hat. This joyous event calls for more oxygen gargling from the diva.

A long engagement is in the works as Harry and Elena leave. He gives her a gold trinket that “must have fallen in my pocket” until he can get her a ring. He’s changed, but not entirely. 

It's not Heston's best work, but it is a treasure. It was nice to see the actors that I had known as a kid from other shows. Yma Sumac's singing was impressive, but seemed designed to show the range of her talent rather than to be enjoyed. I was disappointed that we didn't get more plot complications back in Cuzco where the film started; the plane theft seemed too easily accomplished...and yet, I still like it.

Lurious but cazy...and Smoke news.

It wasn't installed by Dr. Daystrom, but I call it M-5...because it wants to kill me. 

I worked the machine vigorously for several minutes. When I paused, I realized that my legs had turned to jelly, or possibly marmelade--although I don't know what a "marmel" is, or why anyone should make a sweet drink from it. I was barely able to walk or stand; I hobbled and wobbled like a nonagenarian after a spin on the tilt-a-whirl.  Later, I thought that two of my sisters could have done that workout without getting a case of marmelegs (new word!) from the experience. The two of them are rabid avid bicyclists; they could have done the workout while singing the "Bohemian Rhapsody" in the voice of Freddy Mercury; they certainly have the moustaches for it. Of course, I'm kidding--I don't think they could do the singing part.

Something last week reminded me of "tabernacle talk," which I developed when I was a kid. I had discovered that the word "tackle" could be found in the word tabernacle...and an idea was born. It began with "rabernight tabernacle" and "laberneft tabernacle." Labernater, aberni fabernound thabernat aberni cabernould abernuse abernit fabernairly aberneasily--abernor wabernould abernit baberne "aberneasabernily?" I guess it depends on how complicated one wanted to make it. I don't think I ever shared it with anyone--except maybe a sister; so I didn't get much chance to use it.

And that made me wonder about other languages. I wondered if foreign languages had their equivalent of Igpay Atinlay. In this age, to wonder is to Google. Yeah, verily, there were answers. I had heard of the French Verlan, and it reminds me of Archie Campbell telling how Rindercella slopped her dripper, even though the principle is not quite the same. 

But back to my point...those foreign languages do have such things...except they're way too complex for me to pursue. The storal of the mory is that being lurious but cazy can be very unsatisfying, but it ceats not being burious at all.

***

Smoke is nearly complete. I know I've been saying that for a few months, but this time I really mean it. It has only taken me about 20K words more than I had anticipated. The murders have been solved; the right mix of romance and hot lead have left indelible marks in several hearts; and a fair amount of fisticuffs and random literary references have helped blaze a trail to the truth. A little coda to wrap it up next week, and I'll be looking to have it proof read. I'm still trying to get the items that I need for the cover photo, and after that it will be available on Amazon for purchase. I may offer a number of pre-release pdfs for review if there is any interest.